I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
