When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
