He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
