You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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