so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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