john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
