just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
