walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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