You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
