no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize