She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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