highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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