Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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