Jerry, you need to find god
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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