oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
