WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
