well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
