I faked an abortion last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
