that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
