Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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