I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
