I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
