she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
