she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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