He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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