My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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