Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
