i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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