My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
