im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
