New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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