I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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