pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
