I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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