i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
