I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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