DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
