Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
