He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
