You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
