I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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