dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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