I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
