Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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