He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
