i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
