I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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