Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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