I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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