At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
